Three Hundred & Sixty-Five Days

To my sweet Angel, 

Three hundred & sixty-five days have gone by…

When I close my eyes, I can still see your face as you laid so peacefully; I can hear the sounds of your last gasps for air. The smell of the hospital room is permanently embedded in my nasal passage. I can hear the nurse’s voice, very vividly, as she said “12:22”.  I will never forget the way your hands felt, clammy and swollen… and the way the way my heart skipped a beat when I felt you move, when I talked to you (did you hear me? I'll never know...). I remember the way I felt when I looked back at you in your hospital room… & as I was getting in the elevator feeling the most incredibly empty feeling that I had ever felt in my entire life- knowing that, that was the last time I would be with you on Earth.   

Three hundred & sixty-five days have gone by & honestly, every day, I cannot make sense of it all or make it seem real. On Saturdays, I always find myself reaching for my phone to text you to find out what your weekend to-do list is… then I realize that you cannot text from Heaven (although I wish you could). There are so many times where I am truly overwhelmed with a mix of emotions.

Sad, because I spent so much of my life without you, then I got you back; only to lose you again a short time later. Sad, because you did not get to see the person I truly became or everything that I accomplished in life. Sad, because we missed out on movies, lunches, holidays, laughter & tears; and even more sad because my future babies will never meet their grandpa.

With the sad, comes the happy; happy that I was able to spend time with you before you went to Heaven. I made you your very last Easter basket filled with goodies to satisfy your sweet tooth. We were able to have a cookout as a family- with a day of floating in the pool, laughing and being together.  We watched the fireworks in the rain on the 4th of July. We had several dinners in front of the TV watching some of our favorite shows & making fun of the freaks. Something that makes me even happier, that I will never forget, is that I got goodnight kisses from you just like when I was a kid- followed by “Goodnight Sweet pea!” Those are the times that I will cherish.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Three hundred & sixty-five days later & I still do not understand why?! But if there is one thing I do understand, it is something that you always told me... is that "nothing lasts forever". 

I love you my sweet Angel. You will live forever in my heart & I will never forget you.