Birth Plan Flipped Upside Down

People always say not to have a birth plan that is set in stone because things can go way differently than you plan. When I got pregnant, I truly wanted to have the most natural birth as I could. I have more of a fear for medicines then I do of actual pain, so not having any intervention during labor was something I had a strong desire for. 

After the months went on being pregnant, the braxton hicks & contractions began and I thought well, maybe I won't be strong enough to do this without medicine. And I thought what if I get so far into labor, to the point where I cannot have an epidural & realize I can't do it.

While I had a strong desire for the most natural birth, I had the most intense fear of what the hell was going to happen to my lady parts. How in the hell would I birth a baby.. and then how would I pee, would it hurt to poop & would it go back to the same as it was before being pregnant? 

The thoughts that ran through my head literally kept me awake at night. 

At 32 weeks, I was measuring perfectly fine & right on schedule. At my 34 weeks appointment - we found out that our baby had a total growth spurt & I was now measuring 2 weeks ahead. I had a feeling that he was doing a good amount of growing because my stomach was ginormous & I was in constant pain. The braxton hicks contractions were out of control, the back pain was unbearable & I felt so much pressure down below. 

So the doctor scheduled us for an ultrasound since my stomach size is greater than my delivery date. So at our ultrasound (35 weeks pregnant), we found out that the baby was quite large with an estimated weight of 7.5lbs. 

I immediately burst into tears & asking if I was going to be okay. At this point in my pregnancy, my baby is growing an average of 1/2 lb. a week, so if I had 5 weeks left that would mean my baby would be damn near close to 10lbs. by his due date. The ultrasound tech looked right at Kevin & told him he better get me the best push gift. And I left the appointment feeling completely in the dark of what was to come... & we had our 36 weeks appointment the following week & that is when my birth plan took a total turn. 

The doctor said that at this point it was unsafe to deliver vaginally & I could risk tearing all the way into my rectum. Um.. come again!! She said that if I delivered at 36 weeks I could try to deliver vaginally but it was likely to end up in c-section. With all the risks involved with my lady parts & butthole region & any stress that my baby could possibly go through, I scheduled my c-section to meet my baby boy. 

Part of me was relieved - my lady parts & butthole area will all stay intact & it won't hurt nearly as bad to go to the bathroom. But the other part of me was terrified for another reason - having major surgery. Surgery using medicines that I fear. An incision that will impact my body greatly. Tons on my mind - will it hurt to walk & go to the bathroom? How long until I heal? Will the pain take over my entire life & I won't be able to enjoy my new baby? Will I ever feel like myself again after the surgery? 

I don't want to wish my life away or the delivery & first weeks of my baby but part of me just wants to skip through all the pain of surgery & birth of my baby because of fear. The fear of surgery is taking a lot of the excitement away from me & I feel guilty for that. I said from day one that I would do whatever I had to in order to have a healthy baby. So if that means c-section, then that is what I will be doing.  

We will be meeting our baby in 11 days -- unless he decides to come early which I hope he doesn't because I don't like surprises much & I would like to have one more set schedule before he comes. Until then, I will be praying that everything goes smoothly - that my baby is healthy & my recovery isn't awful.